deep even breaths...

What is the deal with this woman?  She has been trying to be friendly to me for some time now and I don't get it.  Actually, I don't get that she doesn't get it - that I don't want to be her friend or talk to her or look at her or hear her.  Whatever.  So she asks me today for 15 of my time after I get off work.  I already lost a year of my life that I will never get back to her, so what's 15 more minutes?  I can revert to being a teenager and just glaze over and fucking nod at her.  I'm pretty sure I remember how to do that...  I will practice this afternoon.  WTF?  I am just so tired of this, of her obvious need to control things and people.  Part of me is curious as to what she has to say, though.  I'm sure it will just be some poor me bullshit drivel coming out of her mouth that I don't want to hear.  I suspect that she is going to ask me to help her with the restaurant and it will be quite satisfying to say no.  It would be nice to hear an apology from her...HA! Like that would ever happen!  The Bitch stands up and owns her shit?!?  No fucking way!  If she hasn't done it by the age of 52, she ain't gonna start now.  Just sayin... I will have to post again after she talks, so stay tuned.

As yet untitled

Approaching my 35th birthday and I would probably be looking forward to it more if there was anything to do in this town or anyone to do it with for that matter. It kind of just sucks all of the fun out of it - just like this town did to Halloween.  Sucks the fun right out of everything this place does.  Anyways, I should be going to dinner with boss and her husband, so at least I will get to wear my new birthday shoes...not that I will be anywhere that I can show them off to the general population.  Mostly the general population are not people I want to know anyway.  There have got to be some half-way decent people here, I mean, we can't be the only ones on this mountain.  I'd settle for just one friend outside of The Shining.  Maybe I am asking too much from the universe right now.  I don't know.
     On a lighter note, I have reconnected with an old friend in Denver and being in touch with her again has helped my soul immensely.  She is a constant source of inspiration for me and it has been good to talk to her again.  She is doing very well and recently married her partner and they are running a dispensary in the Denver area.  That is a huge sign that I am in the wrong place and around the wrong people.  I should sooooo be working in a dispensary in Colorado - maybe I could find something like that here in New Mexico. Anyways, she has done some long distance Reiki on me in the last few days and has really helped me break down the wall that has been surrounding my heart chakra.  Her third eye is so bright and her love so powerful, that every session has been like she is right next to me.  I can actually feel her working on me.  It is amazing and I am lighter every day that I wake up.  I am an untitled work in progress. Cool. Thanks Deb. :)  More later...

17, cuffs and stuff

How do I get myself into the messes that I get into?  I'm in a couple right now, nothing serious, mostly fun messes.  Take 17 for instance.  Young lesbian I met through another friend, she lives several states away from me.  Which is good, because I don't think I would be able to peel her off of me.  I keep thinking that she is so young, but that is how many years were between me and my ex...and she's almost legal.  She is cute as hell and has sent me some of the dirtiest texts I have ever received.  After over a year of no sex or even affection the attention is kind of nice.  She is several states away and the likelihood that I will ever meet her is slim to none, so I'm just digging it.  It would be kind of nice to show up somewhere that the cursed castigating cunt is and show her that I just went 17 years the other way!! -screeching brakes- U TURN!!! LMAO!!  17 says she likes older women...man could I put her off of that!  Then, there is Cuffs.  She is a cop and I can't even begin to tell you where that takes my dirty brain :)  She lives in this state about 3 hours from me and is coming to visit me next week.  I hope she brings at least parts of her uniform :)  We have been talking(email,text,phone) for 6 weeks now and we just have great conversations!  Nothing REALLY dirty yet, but we seem to be saving that for when we meet, so the anticipation is at a high.  I can't wait. No. Really. I can't wait.  I know I already wrote about being in a space where I want more from a woman and I just really want to get laid...but now I want to fuck a cop.  That is just the feeling for this moment and it may change when I meet her face to face, but I'm going with the feeling of the moment.  That's what 17 and Cuffs give me...being in the moment.  Stay tuned for more.

days and days...

It is all just starting to blend together now that it is too cold to climb.  Day after day in this hotel - working here, living here.  It's starting to feel kind of like The Shining - I am sure it will start to feel even more like The Shining.  Trapped in the snow, on the mountain with nothing but the ghosts.  We do have ghosts here at the hotel, but mostly I have encountered friendly spirits.  AHHHHHH!!  I'm slowly losing my mind and there is nothing that I can do about it.  It makes me even crazier to see her day in and day out...She fucking cries and tells me she misses me and that her heart hurts...blah, blah, yammer, yammer.  When she talks I feel like the dog on The Simpsons or like I'm listening to Charlie Brown's teacher.  Am I really supposed to care about anything that you say or feel bitch?  Maybe I am just a heartless bitch, who knows.  Stay tuned, more after this message from our sponsors...

A lot can happen in a year

Like finding out that your entire family is filled with douchebags and that you aren't the crazy one.  It doesn't make me feel better that I am not the stupid one, it makes me feel more alone than I ever have in my life.  I stupidly thought that family was something that was there for you in the worst times, when everyone else fell away and flaked out at least you had that.  I don't know what happened.  In a little more than a year my heart has broken ten times.  As the vultures in my 'family' pick apart the ranch to get what they deserve, my cousins continue breeding - I don't know what is happening.  The woman who gave birth to me believes that my ex would have a different story to tell her about the assault.  Her brother thinks that I should find some strangers at the hotel to give me a ride to Lubbock.  Fuck the cousins, they don't even return emails or phone calls.  Is there something I'm missing?  Is it because I'm gay that they don't want to have anything to do with me?  Before moving to Texas last year, I had not seen or spoken to any of these people in about a decade.  I lived only blocks from most of these people and never saw any of them, much less spoke to them.  They speak to one another - have birthday parties for their kids, bbqs at the ranch, holiday gatherings - none of which I was ever invited to.  I guess  I'm just not a member of this family.  And I am far from anyone that I would call family.  It is time to give up.  I just don't have the strength for this and the fight is gone from me.  I am in a financial hole that 8.50/hour won't get me out of and I don't have the means to get another job being that I am 7 miles from 'town' and public transportation doesn't exist in a town this small.  I have to pay a lawyer, court fees, save to take a test(which is pointless because I will never get back to my chosen profession), New Mexico licensing fees, ABMP insurance, monthly fees to a probation officer for the next 18 months for a mistake that I wish had cost me my life, try to save for the car, then the insurance for that.  It is never ending.  How did my life get to this place?  How did everything go so horribly wrong in such a short amount of time?  I don't have the strength for this.  I quit.

So much for fucking family

Today I realize that the few shared strands in our DNA mean nothing.  It does not make another person family to you.  My uncle, who was aware of the fact that I would have to be back in Lubbock to take care of some of my own business, has just suggested that I find out if someone staying at the hotel is from Lubbock and they could take me back with them.  Complete fucking strangers.  Then he asks if I know someone here that could take me to and from Lubbock.  Yeah, because I have had so much fucking time to meet all of these new people out here while I literally live at work.  He said to me that we would take care of it and not to worry about it.  Stupid me for listening.  I have never been this alone and so fucking hurt by what I thought was something I could rely on.  Family.  FUCK FAMILY.  FUCK YOU, BILL, FOR BEING THE WORST UNCLE A PERSON COULD HAVE.  FUCK YOU.

I'm gonna...

sleep for two days.

Fuck it

I kinda have a case of the fuck its.  Winter will start settling in and I will be cuddling alone, hey, at least I got the dog.  I don't really like winter anyways, it just makes me want to stay inside all of the time.  I am going to try to get another job out here so that I can buy a friend's truck.  Moving 3 times in the last year has severely depleted the savings account.  A year ago I could have bought the truck outright.  On top of having to save for the NCE, moving again, court fees...AHHHHH!!  Too much on my plate and it feels, some days, as if I will always live in this wretched hotel.  I need to figure out how to break it down so it doesn't feel so insurmountable. I'm just kind of exhausted from all of the craziness in my life over the last year and it just feels like a bit much.  Right now I just feel like I want to sleep all of the time.  Maybe that is just what I should do.

Blow out some fur

Which is what I did last night.  Went to see Lynard Skynard with a co-worker and had a mildly drunken blast!!  We had a DD, so I got pretty toasted and so did my co-worker.  Which brings me to my curiosity today - drunk texting.  I had been chatting with a new friend on and off throughout the evening and this is a kind of new, cute friend ;)  So I decided to keep talking to her when I got home and at this point I am pretty drunk.  I didn't say anything inappropriate and she was also flirting back with me...but is it a good idea to drunk text?  I don't ever contact any exes, I don't say anything inappropriate(unless it's called for :)), but should I do it? Hmmm...  In my current hungover state, examining last night's text messages, I don't think it was a bad idea.  I got to know my new friend a little better and I may have even talked her into coming to my side of New Mexico!  She seemed amused by the sexy banter and was responsive, so I will go with it being ok to drunk text.  Until next time!

Ok, bitch. Really?!?

I am about at the end of my rope with FB.  So the cursed castigating cunt is angry with me this morning(probably every morning) because she thinks that I friended one of her friends on FB.  This woman actually friended me and I accepted because she was someone that I liked from the town we were in before.  She walks through the lobby early this morning and says to me 'Really'? '*insert person's name here*, Really'?  I had no response for her since I have no response to anything that she says to me.  I think if she doesn't stop acting like a superior fucking bitch who does no wrong she's going to lose what few friends she has.  There is a little evil part of me that would just LOVE that.  Some moments it's really fucking hard for me to be the bigger person.  It's a good thing that I'm smart enough not to use dark magic or her ass would be covered in boils.  I don't throw hexes, so that makes her very lucky.  I'll just let the local D.A. dispense the instant karma.  What if she ends up serving jail time?  There goes that evil little giggle in my brain again.  Let go of the shit, let go of the shit, let go of the shit.  I guess that's the mantra for the day.  I will repeat it often and later light a candle for her...like I do for people that have passed.

Deep breath, only heard at the back of the throat

So, even the most cynical side of me must admit that the yogic breathing does kind of rock.  I mean really, it's just breathing.  Although as a massage therapist I am constantly telling my clients that they need to stop in their day and breathe.  I even recently read an article about a study that found out what it means physiologically when we sigh.  It apparently resets our entire breathing pattern, expands the ribs a bit, and also sends some messages to our brain...can't quite remember what those messages were. ...sigh...   Nope, still don't remember.  Anyways, the yogic breathing.  It's great.  It's kind of like a long, concentrated series of sighs.  And then the cynical bitch pops up when I get off work and says to just sit on the couch, you worked hard, yoga isn't really gonna make a difference in your day, blah, blah, blah.  Her voice gets quieter every day.  It's great.

Slave and master

A tenuous and empowering relationship.  How do you work that desire into a profile on a dating website?  Single female, enjoys cooking, rock climbing, reading, sci-fi movies, shooting pool with friends at a local pub, camping, hiking, and being tied up and whipped into submission.  Looking for a woman with similar interests who is or can grow into being a good master.  This dynamic was painfully missing from my last two relationships, which leads me to believe that being a good master is harder than I thought.  I did a stint years ago as a dominatrix and I didn't think it was that hard.  Although, I had no emotional attachment to any of my clients, only their wallets.  It does take an intense emotional bond for the Slave/master dynamic to work.  So, not only tasked with finding that someone special in life, how do I find a girl with that extra special quality?  I'm sure there are websites that cater specifically to the wants of women like me, but my faith in internet dating is definitely waning.  I do know that being honest up front with someone about your desires is best, but not really first date material.  When is the appropriate time to bring this up to a prospective mate?  Second date, third or fourth?  After the first time you have sex or before?  Or maybe during the first time you are having sex.  What is the etiquette for bringing up bondage?   Too many questions.  Where is that book of answers that I bought last week...oh, that's right, the book store was out of them.  Until next time.

Raw and Uncut...

Which really makes me want to just say fuck...a lot.  If it is just what I see around me and I just write it down, does that make it...what?  Stream of consciousness? Did I spell that right?  Valid thought?  Invalid feeling/emotion?  I am having a life moment of WTF?!?  I am not unintelligent.  I have full use of my faculties.  So, why the WTF moment?  I can only blame so much on the cursed castigating cunt before she becomes a crutch.  That will not happen.  I am not accepting this wall of fear that was built around me by someone else.  I will be the human I am meant to be.  OK, enough of that disney crap.  In choosing to not accept, then I am choosing to fight and stand up, to not lay down, to not give up.  I am up and coming, so look the fuck out.

the point

At what point do we just accept things the way they are?  Is that even a viable decision?  Why just accept which, in some cases, just sounds like giving up to me.  Maybe that view is a little harsh, but acceptance can sometimes have a fucking pussy ring to it.  Don't just accept, stand up and fight, voice what you want, and go for those goals that people say are impossible.  How far would anyone in history have gotten if they just accepted what was in front of them?  So, Galileo would have just given up and agreed with everyone that the planets and sun rotate around the earth?  The Wright Brothers would have listened to everyone that said they were crazy and men aren't meant to fly?  Martha Stewart would have just laid down and let all holidays be without traditional recipes and decorations?  I don't think so.  So why am I feeling like I have to accept the particular situation I am in?  Small town, no women, no social life, psycho ex living 50 yards from me...what can I do to change this?  Is it just to move again, or do I bring the mountain to me, so to speak?  I have the choice right now to decide whether to give the cursed castigating cunt what is called 'pre-prosecution deferment'.  Basically there is no prosecution, no trial and she just goes straight to anger management and 'supervised' probation.  If she does not meet the provisions set for the probation, then it will go to prosecution.  Why not just let her be prosecuted now?  Why do I have to be the one to make this decision?  This is one of the times in this situation that make me fucking hate her.  I was never supposed to encounter decisions like this in my life.  Believe me, I have faced hard ones with more courage than I see in the humans around me, but I never planned for this.  Why do I still feel guilty if I make the decision to just let the D.A. prosecute her.  Fuck that shit, there are no catholics in my family tree, I don't even know how people live with long term guilt.  It's not something I am hardwired to carry and yet here I am.  I wish I knew the point.  I'll update ground control when I have figured it out.

Shopping therapy...the best kind

So I have spent the last couple of days shopping and I am feeling good.  It has been beautiful here in the mountains with a nice fall crisp in the air.  I am still incredibly undersexed and hating it.  Now I'm also bleeding, which makes me extra horny and I need to consume all of the red meat and sugar I can get my hands on.  It's really a pretty sight.  It would be nice to meet someone, but I'm not sure how that is gonna happen.  I really do wish patience was one of my strong suits, it's just not.  Maybe I'll just rent myself a billboard and whore myself out that way.  Hmmm...I'll have to think about that one.  Hot, Super Horny, Single, Lesbian With Little Baggage Needs a Good Licking.  I think that will work.  You know any women, send them my way.

We are drinking mint juleps in the shade...Thank you Solomon Burke

We lost a bright and beautiful light in this world this week.  Solomon Burke will be greatly missed and his music greatly cherished by many of us.  Thank you, Sir, for what your light gave us while you were here.  We are eternally grateful.

So, I was thinking...

That if this keeps going on, I am going to lose my mind.  Just the energy of the hotel(bad, transient) is enough to drive someone crazy, not to mention everything else I am trying to control or maintain or make happen.  I am filling up with negativity at a faster rate than I know how to get rid of it.  I have growing hatred for the cursed castigating cunt which I know is super unhealthy for me.  I just want her to fall off a cliff or have the restaurant kitchen catch on fire or something that leads to her untimely demise.  At least I know that I'm not evil enough to kill her, although I don't know if I can say the same for her.  It's not a very big step from assault to murder.  Just saying.  I have a feeling of stagnation when it comes to my social life and it's really starting to irritate me.  I guess that's the underlying feeling, irritation.  I'm just so fucking irritated I want to slap people.  Maybe I should just start slapping the people that irritate me.  Of course I would never get anything done considering the overwhelming amount of people that need to be slapped in this world.  Maybe I just need to stay away from people for a bit.  Or at least until the urge to slap them all dissipates.

what the fuck

I gotta get out of my head.  This whole wanting sex and wanting a social life outside of married people is becoming a dark swirl of bullshit in my head.  Even the obtuse, snotty fucking 23 year old gets asked out.  Of course these people have the advantage of being straight so their dating pool is considerably larger than mine in a town that is already too small.  This does not mean I will start dating men - hairy monkeys...blech.  For fucks sake, I turn on the T.V. this morning and there are people fucking.  This is tiring.  I know that some of my best friends would say not to focus on it so much.  When you want it the worst, it never happens.  You have to stop wanting it.  Oh, fuck all that shit.  I hate it when I hear my friend's voices in my head and I know they are right.  I guess I gotta work on letting it go.  I don't want sex from a hot woman, I don't want sex from a hot woman, I don't want sex from a hot woman... Yeah, I don't believe it either.  If only I had something else to focus on...SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.  Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh(scream of frustration).  Still don't feel better.  At least the hiking and rock climbing wear me out physically, so what do I do about my heart and my mind?  How do I make those quit wanting?  Is it even possible?  I don't want to quit wanting.  And that's that.  I have desires and I won't ignore them.  I'm waiting...

4 days later

I know that the reality of finding someone, even to fuck, since my last post is slim to none.  Camping for the weekend with two couples and no other general population around doesn't really help the situation or my ego.  I mean really, two ex-crackheads find each other and I'm the single one?  I'm not without my own flaws, but I am quite the catch.  I have an education, a job, I'm a clean person, a good communicator, great dry sense of humor, my own sense of style,slightly above average looks(I think) and I have great shoes.  Minor baggage, nothing worth really mentioning or any more than anyone 'normal' has.  I'm supportive, encouraging, independent, a great kisser...and more :)  Yet I am the one sleeping in a tent alone.  I am enjoying being single and the freedom that comes with it and I am definitely not looking for a relationship right now(no u-haulers), but some companionship would be great.  With some great sex. So what does this girl do?  I'm in a town so small there aren't even any good adult toy stores and I'm bored with the toys that I have.  I'm feeling like it's time to pack up the strap-on and call it quits.  It's covered in dust anyways, so why not throw it in a box?  Am I maybe just sitting on a pity pot?  Probably, but I don't care right now.  Dirty jokes and banter aren't even really fun anymore.  I need stimulation.  I want satisfaction.  Now.  I really wish patience was one of my strong suits...

Sexy shit

So, I have pretty much been single since last October and am kind of reaching a point of just wanting to get laid.  I have never had an issue with this in the past, but of late my soul and my heart want more.  Can I discuss the soul, the heart and wanting to get laid in only two sentences?  I'm gonna say yes.  It is all what is inside of me, so what the fuck.  I know that living in a small tourist town is not very conducive to meeting, well, much of anyone.  That doesn't make me view it any differently.  I seem to be starving from lack of social interaction.  Don't get me wrong, I love rock climbing and camping with my friends, however, it doesn't afford a very colorful social life when you spend all of your free time in the woods with your friends.  Friends that are couples, by the way.  Don't get any nasties in your heads, I am not the lesbian whore for the straight people.  Anyways, I have resorted to internet dating(not successful) and hoping that magically there are some of my people hiding here in the mountains...will this work?  I don't want to listen to the answer that my gut tells me is true.  So what does a girl do.  In the mountains.  In a small town.  Anybody?  Anybody even out there?  Guess this wasn't really any sexy shit, just some shit about how I want sex...and more.

Caterwauling and customizing

Not that I have anything to caterwaul about, but that could change in a few sentences.  However, it is time to customize my life - or maybe streamline is a better word.  Hmmm...we'll see.  Not much going on in the mountains here, pretty quiet now that busy season is over.  Now we are just waiting for the snow, however, our skiing out here leaves something to be desired.  From what I hear children can ski the black diamonds, so not very challenging.  Should make for an easy, relaxed ski season.  Hopefully we will be able to get in some good rock climbing over the winter.  I have just ordered some new gear, so I am very excited :)  Any sport that comes with new shoes, I'm in!  I have been free of coffee for almost a week now and am feeling great.  Next, the cigarettes go.  I'm ready, I hope the people around me are!  I don't think it will be hard, I just have to do it.  After that, it will be time to rest and enjoy my accomplishments :)  So by my birthday I will be smoke free.  I'm looking forward to it.

Well, I guess I could bitch just a bit.  I'm sick of the ex and her being so near.  Part of me just wants her to fail miserably and part of me wants to make her fail miserably.  I have to keep my ego in check and consciously choose every moment not to drag her to hell and leave her there.  Most days I don't want to tell the judge that I agree to drop the assault charges.  But I guess we won't know the outcome of that until I stand in front of the judge and open my mouth.  As well the people that know me, what comes out of my mouth is unpredictable to say the least :)  I will try to be the bigger person, I will try, I will try, I will try.  I think quitting smoking will be easier.  Just sayin'.

Fuck that bitch!

Spent my days off camping and rock climbing with my friends and it FUCKING ROCKED!!!  Fuck that bitch, I can climb up rocks.  I loved learning how to climb again, I haven't done it in years.  I conquered those rocks, so bring it bitch!  I can take it.  All your dirty looks, snotty anger and lies... BRING IT!!  My last post was wrong, I don't fear you, I feel sorry for you.  You are so insecure you have to abuse your girlfriends.  You have to use fear as a way to think you are in control.  You have no control over anything, especially me.  So, FUCK YOU CUNT! 

Oh, ok.  Got that out.  I do feel much better :)  I give this all back to her, it is not mine.  I feel lighter and stronger and I know that I am - at least compared to her.  Now daily affirmations are over...rock climbing was fucking awesome!!!  I already had to start buying my own gear and I'm all cracked out on my new hobby :))  I couldn't be happier than I am at this moment!  Time to start changing some things in my life...what next?  I can't wait!!

How about a little passive agressive silent hostility for your day :)

So she had her arraignment hearing and ever since then she has seemed more bold when she passes me in the hotel.  She has mean mugged me several times, the most recent being this evening.  I am now starting to fear a bit for my safety.  Her anger is palpable and it sucks to be around.  I haven't been out here long enough to make any friends and anyone that I am close to is at least 1000 miles from me.  I have no witnesses and no confidant here - so I guess this blog is it.  Seems that this is just more of an online diary and I expressed in my last posting how I felt about it.  What do I do in a place where I know no one and my only recourse is the police?  I find myself walking around in paranoia constantly and it sucks - she made me a victim and it terrifies me and pisses me off all at the same time.  Maybe I shouldn't drop the charges, even with conditions of attending anger management.  Maybe she should experience the full consequences of her actions.  Is it my place to decide what her karmic reaping should be in this situation?  Goddammit.  I hate her for this.  I hate her for putting me in this position.  I hate her for what she did.  I hate her and that is not healthy for me.  How can I let go of the hate if I can't let go of the fear?  I can't let go of the fear when I see her everyday and feel her boldness and anger growing by the day.  What happens when she snaps and I am all alone?  Then I guess they find my dead body in my room, I don't know.  I think I'll get a gun.  At least it's more protection than the hammer I currently have.  Yoga and meditation are not helping, I have to learn how to defend myself against a crazy person with a record for beating and intimidating her girlfriends.  Excellent.  Just where I wanted to be in life.  Still haven't come up with a new name for her, so I will end with castigating cursed cunt.

Each day...has the potential to suck.

But that doesn't mean it has to.  Mildly tedious to be living in a hotel, which also happens to be where my job is.  It's kind of like never getting to leave work and it sometimes makes me feel more tired than I actually am.  I keep reminding myself that it is only temporary and soon the city life will be a reality again :) Deep breath in and out while I salute the morning sun.  I feel as though I have lost some of my 'edge' in this experience - I have been bowed.  I need to get it back, but how?  I love that I can write this shit down and get it out of my head, but blogging sometimes feels a little more girly than I thought it would.

Really?!?

Loving the mountain life.  Weather is just beautiful right now.  So, the owner of the hotel(my uncle) shows up for this Labor Day weekend.  He is an interesting man that plays his cards close to the chest - never is an easy read.  He is, basically, in business with my ex.  She is opening the restaurant in his hotel, however, only through a verbal contract - NOTHING on paper.  His most recent concern is the effect of mine and my ex's "personal situation" on the hotel staff...  Had a meeting with the hotel manager and the owncle(nice blended word :))  and we assured him, again, that there was no strain on the hotel staff.  Most of the staff doesn't even know - all they know is that her and I had a disagreement and I no longer work for the restaurant - only the hotel.  I explained to him that the only reason that the people who know about the situation are still working with her is because I asked them to.  I know that I will never receive credit for this, I do not need it.  I do not want to identify as the victim, but I have to on some level to come to terms with this.  I had a moment as a victim and I have to acknowledge it.  It's just such a strange skin to wear.  Well...back to the weather.  I will come out of this and this nature around me will help.  Processing...

age quod agis

Wow.  I can't always describe how I feel since we have truly been apart.  The punctuation that she used to end our sentence left no room for friendship.  No room for forgiveness (right now).  We can't even be within 100 feet of each other.  More and more about her anger issues seeps out from her friends.  People who have known her much longer and also people that she has assaulted before - the ones who never called the cops and never pressed charges.  I don't ALWAYS  like the spotlight...just saying.  I guess there is a reason that this is happening now in her life and in mine - just wish I knew what it was.  Each day I feel lighter and happier.  The mountain air definitely helps. Staring at the New Mexico mountains right now listening to my Rage Against the Machine station on Pandora.  Ahhhhh....happiest Friday in a while, think I'll open a PBR and pour a shot of Jack.  Happy Holiday all!!

Well, now that that's over...

So.  Just don't know how to start this one. One week ago last night, the person I was with got so angry that she held me down and choked me and when I finally got out from under her and out the door(which she had blocked twice before) she attempted to push me down a flight of stairs from behind.  I came out of it with bruises on my neck and a severely twisted ankle.  She spent 4 nights in jail.  I spent quite a while just in shock - nobody I have ever been with has ever assaulted me.  I haven't even ever been with someone that can get that angry.  I felt guilt about her spending time in a county correctional facility, with no family nearby, but I am working through that.  I always said that I would never be one of 'those' women and now that it is here I am at a loss.  I didn't get this manual for life, when did they hand it out?  Where are the instructions for pressing charges against someone that you care for?  I have no illusions of ever wanting to be with her again, there is no working it out...not after that night.  I know now the extent of her anger issues - I didn't just show up in her life a year ago and suddenly make her angry.  I have also received warnings from others who have known her much longer, warnings I chose not to heed. I wonder why...
     So, that makes everything different.  I am now learning the wonders of housekeeping and hotel work.  But not just any hotel, this is the hotel of escher...nothing is what it seems!  We have doors that go to nowhere, rooms that create their own smell, amazing feats of physics abound in this place!  It is truly amazing to learn just exactly how much you can do with duct tape, spray paint, a hammer and a drill.  You can fix ANYTHING!!  Even toilets and electrical outlets!  Who knew!?!  So at the very least I will have more interesting things to blog about and some more time to do it now that I am no longer slave labor for the castigating cursed cunt.  Wow, even I'm proud of that onomatopoeia :)  I'm sure that she will receive more down the line as I am more willing to talk about all of it.  I am learning to enjoy being in this beautiful place in the mountains, my surroundings are perfect right now.  I can get back to camping, climbing, hiking to the best look out and smoking with a friend.  Floating down rivers, sitting next to campfires and all of the general enjoyment that comes with being a resident in the mountains.  I am also attempting to gain some personal  discipline and do yoga every day...it's mostly working.  Don't they say that it takes 21 days to form a habit?  I'll get there. Things are gonna change, I can feel it :)  Hell, who knows, maybe some people out there in the internetverse will start reading this piddly blog!

breaking up...or not

So we haven't even shared a bedroom for over 9 months, but we have not broken up.  Many talks about working things out, getting back to where we were - blah, blah, blah.  She is going through menopause, we started working opposite schedules, I had my own little fuck up contributions along the way.  She is obsessive compulsive about pretty much everything - little bit of a control freak.  I leave at least 2 to 3 pairs of shoes in the living room a day and if the dinner dishes just get rinsed and not washed until the morning, I'm fine.  She's not.  I try to find this middle ground between her OCD and my more laid back take on life and I don't think it exists.  It's her way or the highway.  I understand that stance when it comes to her restaurant that she is opening, but there is no give in our relationship.  I also know that opening any kind of business is a major stress and that since I am the closest I will take the brunt of that stress that she has.  The first night I was out here we had a major fight about me forgetting to get a laundry bag and I also did not clean the house properly before we left our previous location (not true - I have received every deposit from every apartment/house I have ever lived in, I know how to clean).  It ended with her pushing me into a wall and telling me to get out of her life.  We spoke the next day and she explained that she felt she could not trust me to do what I say I am going to do and that she had no compassion for me and that she has little control of her anger when it comes to me.  Side note - I have never been in an abusive relationship, nor have I fought with anyone I have been with as much as we have.  My response to this was to suggest that we both focus on the opening of the restaurant as this will take all of our energy and most of our time and it will be what benefits both of us in the long run.  We can work on 'us' later if it is still what we both want.  She didn't have much of a response to this.  Since that happened she has complained that I don't spend time in the evenings with her, tells me that she misses me next to her in bed, that she misses the intimacy.  Two nights ago she asks me if we will ever get back to that place in our relationship and ended the conversation with what I perceived as an ultimatum. "I want sex soon, so work on it."  WTF!?!?!  Because demanding sex out of me totally puts me in the mood.  At this point I would rather watch porn and masturbate - but that is not even appealing because our recent past has killed my libido. I don't want to be touched, I don't want to touch me.  Obviously there is some shit I need to work on to make myself feel better inside and out.  That is work only I can do, no other person makes me happy - but I seem to be near one who is determined to remind of all of the mistakes I have made in our relationship in the recent past.  It is wearing me out.  I can't fix the past, all I can do is move forward from today, show up and walk the walk.  I even get bitched at for the way I do that.  So do I just keep my head down, my mouth shut and do the job until I can get back to my chosen career path or just quit on her and work in the hotel full time housekeeping and study for my national certification test.  I feel like the life is being sucked out of me at this point - 7 day weeks suck, especially when you aren't being paid for 4 of those days a week.  If at any point anyone starts reading this, I'm open to suggestions and questions.  Am I being a totally unreasonable bitch?

Starting with week two...

Here I am in the beautiful mountains in Ruidoso, New Mexico. I certainly can't complain about my surroundings as I do love the mountains and all that comes with mountain life :) Hiking, camping, summer rainstorms.  I could do without the tourists, but they are our bread and butter.  I guess I'll put a little history up here so whoever may read this will know how I got to this beautiful mountain town (actually it's a village).

My kind of girlfriend has been trying to open another restaurant for the past year and, needless to say, the economy is not the most friendly environment for restaurant/new business loans.  An opportunity presented itself in the last couple of months in the form of an empty, unused restaurant in my uncle's hotel here in beautiful Ruidoso.  The town we were in before this was Lubbock, so pretty much anywhere is a step up from Lubbock.  She is a 'kind of' girlfriend seeing as how we haven't even shared a bedroom in over 9 months.  In spite of this I have decided to come out here anyway and help her get this monstrosity cleaned and put back together and help get the restaurant off of the ground and running.  We have had some rocky times for the last few months, some of which ended up in full blown angry fights and at the peak of this anger she pushed me against a wall.  Besides the slightly rocky times, I am hoping that I can write it all off to the stress of trying to open a restaurant.  I can't help but wonder if I made the right decision to come out here or not.  Back to work for now...