Meh, whatever

Wow.  Apathy is a great thing.  So this is the last post for a while. She wins. I don't care anymore.  Fuck all of it.

deep even breaths...

What is the deal with this woman?  She has been trying to be friendly to me for some time now and I don't get it.  Actually, I don't get that she doesn't get it - that I don't want to be her friend or talk to her or look at her or hear her.  Whatever.  So she asks me today for 15 of my time after I get off work.  I already lost a year of my life that I will never get back to her, so what's 15 more minutes?  I can revert to being a teenager and just glaze over and fucking nod at her.  I'm pretty sure I remember how to do that...  I will practice this afternoon.  WTF?  I am just so tired of this, of her obvious need to control things and people.  Part of me is curious as to what she has to say, though.  I'm sure it will just be some poor me bullshit drivel coming out of her mouth that I don't want to hear.  I suspect that she is going to ask me to help her with the restaurant and it will be quite satisfying to say no.  It would be nice to hear an apology from her...HA! Like that would ever happen!  The Bitch stands up and owns her shit?!?  No fucking way!  If she hasn't done it by the age of 52, she ain't gonna start now.  Just sayin... I will have to post again after she talks, so stay tuned.

As yet untitled

Approaching my 35th birthday and I would probably be looking forward to it more if there was anything to do in this town or anyone to do it with for that matter. It kind of just sucks all of the fun out of it - just like this town did to Halloween.  Sucks the fun right out of everything this place does.  Anyways, I should be going to dinner with boss and her husband, so at least I will get to wear my new birthday shoes...not that I will be anywhere that I can show them off to the general population.  Mostly the general population are not people I want to know anyway.  There have got to be some half-way decent people here, I mean, we can't be the only ones on this mountain.  I'd settle for just one friend outside of The Shining.  Maybe I am asking too much from the universe right now.  I don't know.
     On a lighter note, I have reconnected with an old friend in Denver and being in touch with her again has helped my soul immensely.  She is a constant source of inspiration for me and it has been good to talk to her again.  She is doing very well and recently married her partner and they are running a dispensary in the Denver area.  That is a huge sign that I am in the wrong place and around the wrong people.  I should sooooo be working in a dispensary in Colorado - maybe I could find something like that here in New Mexico. Anyways, she has done some long distance Reiki on me in the last few days and has really helped me break down the wall that has been surrounding my heart chakra.  Her third eye is so bright and her love so powerful, that every session has been like she is right next to me.  I can actually feel her working on me.  It is amazing and I am lighter every day that I wake up.  I am an untitled work in progress. Cool. Thanks Deb. :)  More later...

17, cuffs and stuff

How do I get myself into the messes that I get into?  I'm in a couple right now, nothing serious, mostly fun messes.  Take 17 for instance.  Young lesbian I met through another friend, she lives several states away from me.  Which is good, because I don't think I would be able to peel her off of me.  I keep thinking that she is so young, but that is how many years were between me and my ex...and she's almost legal.  She is cute as hell and has sent me some of the dirtiest texts I have ever received.  After over a year of no sex or even affection the attention is kind of nice.  She is several states away and the likelihood that I will ever meet her is slim to none, so I'm just digging it.  It would be kind of nice to show up somewhere that the cursed castigating cunt is and show her that I just went 17 years the other way!! -screeching brakes- U TURN!!! LMAO!!  17 says she likes older women...man could I put her off of that!  Then, there is Cuffs.  She is a cop and I can't even begin to tell you where that takes my dirty brain :)  She lives in this state about 3 hours from me and is coming to visit me next week.  I hope she brings at least parts of her uniform :)  We have been talking(email,text,phone) for 6 weeks now and we just have great conversations!  Nothing REALLY dirty yet, but we seem to be saving that for when we meet, so the anticipation is at a high.  I can't wait. No. Really. I can't wait.  I know I already wrote about being in a space where I want more from a woman and I just really want to get laid...but now I want to fuck a cop.  That is just the feeling for this moment and it may change when I meet her face to face, but I'm going with the feeling of the moment.  That's what 17 and Cuffs give me...being in the moment.  Stay tuned for more.

days and days...

It is all just starting to blend together now that it is too cold to climb.  Day after day in this hotel - working here, living here.  It's starting to feel kind of like The Shining - I am sure it will start to feel even more like The Shining.  Trapped in the snow, on the mountain with nothing but the ghosts.  We do have ghosts here at the hotel, but mostly I have encountered friendly spirits.  AHHHHHH!!  I'm slowly losing my mind and there is nothing that I can do about it.  It makes me even crazier to see her day in and day out...She fucking cries and tells me she misses me and that her heart hurts...blah, blah, yammer, yammer.  When she talks I feel like the dog on The Simpsons or like I'm listening to Charlie Brown's teacher.  Am I really supposed to care about anything that you say or feel bitch?  Maybe I am just a heartless bitch, who knows.  Stay tuned, more after this message from our sponsors...

A lot can happen in a year

Like finding out that your entire family is filled with douchebags and that you aren't the crazy one.  It doesn't make me feel better that I am not the stupid one, it makes me feel more alone than I ever have in my life.  I stupidly thought that family was something that was there for you in the worst times, when everyone else fell away and flaked out at least you had that.  I don't know what happened.  In a little more than a year my heart has broken ten times.  As the vultures in my 'family' pick apart the ranch to get what they deserve, my cousins continue breeding - I don't know what is happening.  The woman who gave birth to me believes that my ex would have a different story to tell her about the assault.  Her brother thinks that I should find some strangers at the hotel to give me a ride to Lubbock.  Fuck the cousins, they don't even return emails or phone calls.  Is there something I'm missing?  Is it because I'm gay that they don't want to have anything to do with me?  Before moving to Texas last year, I had not seen or spoken to any of these people in about a decade.  I lived only blocks from most of these people and never saw any of them, much less spoke to them.  They speak to one another - have birthday parties for their kids, bbqs at the ranch, holiday gatherings - none of which I was ever invited to.  I guess  I'm just not a member of this family.  And I am far from anyone that I would call family.  It is time to give up.  I just don't have the strength for this and the fight is gone from me.  I am in a financial hole that 8.50/hour won't get me out of and I don't have the means to get another job being that I am 7 miles from 'town' and public transportation doesn't exist in a town this small.  I have to pay a lawyer, court fees, save to take a test(which is pointless because I will never get back to my chosen profession), New Mexico licensing fees, ABMP insurance, monthly fees to a probation officer for the next 18 months for a mistake that I wish had cost me my life, try to save for the car, then the insurance for that.  It is never ending.  How did my life get to this place?  How did everything go so horribly wrong in such a short amount of time?  I don't have the strength for this.  I quit.

So much for fucking family

Today I realize that the few shared strands in our DNA mean nothing.  It does not make another person family to you.  My uncle, who was aware of the fact that I would have to be back in Lubbock to take care of some of my own business, has just suggested that I find out if someone staying at the hotel is from Lubbock and they could take me back with them.  Complete fucking strangers.  Then he asks if I know someone here that could take me to and from Lubbock.  Yeah, because I have had so much fucking time to meet all of these new people out here while I literally live at work.  He said to me that we would take care of it and not to worry about it.  Stupid me for listening.  I have never been this alone and so fucking hurt by what I thought was something I could rely on.  Family.  FUCK FAMILY.  FUCK YOU, BILL, FOR BEING THE WORST UNCLE A PERSON COULD HAVE.  FUCK YOU.

I'm gonna...

sleep for two days.

Fuck it

I kinda have a case of the fuck its.  Winter will start settling in and I will be cuddling alone, hey, at least I got the dog.  I don't really like winter anyways, it just makes me want to stay inside all of the time.  I am going to try to get another job out here so that I can buy a friend's truck.  Moving 3 times in the last year has severely depleted the savings account.  A year ago I could have bought the truck outright.  On top of having to save for the NCE, moving again, court fees...AHHHHH!!  Too much on my plate and it feels, some days, as if I will always live in this wretched hotel.  I need to figure out how to break it down so it doesn't feel so insurmountable. I'm just kind of exhausted from all of the craziness in my life over the last year and it just feels like a bit much.  Right now I just feel like I want to sleep all of the time.  Maybe that is just what I should do.

Blow out some fur

Which is what I did last night.  Went to see Lynard Skynard with a co-worker and had a mildly drunken blast!!  We had a DD, so I got pretty toasted and so did my co-worker.  Which brings me to my curiosity today - drunk texting.  I had been chatting with a new friend on and off throughout the evening and this is a kind of new, cute friend ;)  So I decided to keep talking to her when I got home and at this point I am pretty drunk.  I didn't say anything inappropriate and she was also flirting back with me...but is it a good idea to drunk text?  I don't ever contact any exes, I don't say anything inappropriate(unless it's called for :)), but should I do it? Hmmm...  In my current hungover state, examining last night's text messages, I don't think it was a bad idea.  I got to know my new friend a little better and I may have even talked her into coming to my side of New Mexico!  She seemed amused by the sexy banter and was responsive, so I will go with it being ok to drunk text.  Until next time!

Ok, bitch. Really?!?

I am about at the end of my rope with FB.  So the cursed castigating cunt is angry with me this morning(probably every morning) because she thinks that I friended one of her friends on FB.  This woman actually friended me and I accepted because she was someone that I liked from the town we were in before.  She walks through the lobby early this morning and says to me 'Really'? '*insert person's name here*, Really'?  I had no response for her since I have no response to anything that she says to me.  I think if she doesn't stop acting like a superior fucking bitch who does no wrong she's going to lose what few friends she has.  There is a little evil part of me that would just LOVE that.  Some moments it's really fucking hard for me to be the bigger person.  It's a good thing that I'm smart enough not to use dark magic or her ass would be covered in boils.  I don't throw hexes, so that makes her very lucky.  I'll just let the local D.A. dispense the instant karma.  What if she ends up serving jail time?  There goes that evil little giggle in my brain again.  Let go of the shit, let go of the shit, let go of the shit.  I guess that's the mantra for the day.  I will repeat it often and later light a candle for her...like I do for people that have passed.

Deep breath, only heard at the back of the throat

So, even the most cynical side of me must admit that the yogic breathing does kind of rock.  I mean really, it's just breathing.  Although as a massage therapist I am constantly telling my clients that they need to stop in their day and breathe.  I even recently read an article about a study that found out what it means physiologically when we sigh.  It apparently resets our entire breathing pattern, expands the ribs a bit, and also sends some messages to our brain...can't quite remember what those messages were. ...sigh...   Nope, still don't remember.  Anyways, the yogic breathing.  It's great.  It's kind of like a long, concentrated series of sighs.  And then the cynical bitch pops up when I get off work and says to just sit on the couch, you worked hard, yoga isn't really gonna make a difference in your day, blah, blah, blah.  Her voice gets quieter every day.  It's great.

Slave and master

A tenuous and empowering relationship.  How do you work that desire into a profile on a dating website?  Single female, enjoys cooking, rock climbing, reading, sci-fi movies, shooting pool with friends at a local pub, camping, hiking, and being tied up and whipped into submission.  Looking for a woman with similar interests who is or can grow into being a good master.  This dynamic was painfully missing from my last two relationships, which leads me to believe that being a good master is harder than I thought.  I did a stint years ago as a dominatrix and I didn't think it was that hard.  Although, I had no emotional attachment to any of my clients, only their wallets.  It does take an intense emotional bond for the Slave/master dynamic to work.  So, not only tasked with finding that someone special in life, how do I find a girl with that extra special quality?  I'm sure there are websites that cater specifically to the wants of women like me, but my faith in internet dating is definitely waning.  I do know that being honest up front with someone about your desires is best, but not really first date material.  When is the appropriate time to bring this up to a prospective mate?  Second date, third or fourth?  After the first time you have sex or before?  Or maybe during the first time you are having sex.  What is the etiquette for bringing up bondage?   Too many questions.  Where is that book of answers that I bought last week...oh, that's right, the book store was out of them.  Until next time.

Raw and Uncut...

Which really makes me want to just say fuck...a lot.  If it is just what I see around me and I just write it down, does that make it...what?  Stream of consciousness? Did I spell that right?  Valid thought?  Invalid feeling/emotion?  I am having a life moment of WTF?!?  I am not unintelligent.  I have full use of my faculties.  So, why the WTF moment?  I can only blame so much on the cursed castigating cunt before she becomes a crutch.  That will not happen.  I am not accepting this wall of fear that was built around me by someone else.  I will be the human I am meant to be.  OK, enough of that disney crap.  In choosing to not accept, then I am choosing to fight and stand up, to not lay down, to not give up.  I am up and coming, so look the fuck out.

the point

At what point do we just accept things the way they are?  Is that even a viable decision?  Why just accept which, in some cases, just sounds like giving up to me.  Maybe that view is a little harsh, but acceptance can sometimes have a fucking pussy ring to it.  Don't just accept, stand up and fight, voice what you want, and go for those goals that people say are impossible.  How far would anyone in history have gotten if they just accepted what was in front of them?  So, Galileo would have just given up and agreed with everyone that the planets and sun rotate around the earth?  The Wright Brothers would have listened to everyone that said they were crazy and men aren't meant to fly?  Martha Stewart would have just laid down and let all holidays be without traditional recipes and decorations?  I don't think so.  So why am I feeling like I have to accept the particular situation I am in?  Small town, no women, no social life, psycho ex living 50 yards from me...what can I do to change this?  Is it just to move again, or do I bring the mountain to me, so to speak?  I have the choice right now to decide whether to give the cursed castigating cunt what is called 'pre-prosecution deferment'.  Basically there is no prosecution, no trial and she just goes straight to anger management and 'supervised' probation.  If she does not meet the provisions set for the probation, then it will go to prosecution.  Why not just let her be prosecuted now?  Why do I have to be the one to make this decision?  This is one of the times in this situation that make me fucking hate her.  I was never supposed to encounter decisions like this in my life.  Believe me, I have faced hard ones with more courage than I see in the humans around me, but I never planned for this.  Why do I still feel guilty if I make the decision to just let the D.A. prosecute her.  Fuck that shit, there are no catholics in my family tree, I don't even know how people live with long term guilt.  It's not something I am hardwired to carry and yet here I am.  I wish I knew the point.  I'll update ground control when I have figured it out.

Shopping therapy...the best kind

So I have spent the last couple of days shopping and I am feeling good.  It has been beautiful here in the mountains with a nice fall crisp in the air.  I am still incredibly undersexed and hating it.  Now I'm also bleeding, which makes me extra horny and I need to consume all of the red meat and sugar I can get my hands on.  It's really a pretty sight.  It would be nice to meet someone, but I'm not sure how that is gonna happen.  I really do wish patience was one of my strong suits, it's just not.  Maybe I'll just rent myself a billboard and whore myself out that way.  Hmmm...I'll have to think about that one.  Hot, Super Horny, Single, Lesbian With Little Baggage Needs a Good Licking.  I think that will work.  You know any women, send them my way.

We are drinking mint juleps in the shade...Thank you Solomon Burke

We lost a bright and beautiful light in this world this week.  Solomon Burke will be greatly missed and his music greatly cherished by many of us.  Thank you, Sir, for what your light gave us while you were here.  We are eternally grateful.

So, I was thinking...

That if this keeps going on, I am going to lose my mind.  Just the energy of the hotel(bad, transient) is enough to drive someone crazy, not to mention everything else I am trying to control or maintain or make happen.  I am filling up with negativity at a faster rate than I know how to get rid of it.  I have growing hatred for the cursed castigating cunt which I know is super unhealthy for me.  I just want her to fall off a cliff or have the restaurant kitchen catch on fire or something that leads to her untimely demise.  At least I know that I'm not evil enough to kill her, although I don't know if I can say the same for her.  It's not a very big step from assault to murder.  Just saying.  I have a feeling of stagnation when it comes to my social life and it's really starting to irritate me.  I guess that's the underlying feeling, irritation.  I'm just so fucking irritated I want to slap people.  Maybe I should just start slapping the people that irritate me.  Of course I would never get anything done considering the overwhelming amount of people that need to be slapped in this world.  Maybe I just need to stay away from people for a bit.  Or at least until the urge to slap them all dissipates.

what the fuck

I gotta get out of my head.  This whole wanting sex and wanting a social life outside of married people is becoming a dark swirl of bullshit in my head.  Even the obtuse, snotty fucking 23 year old gets asked out.  Of course these people have the advantage of being straight so their dating pool is considerably larger than mine in a town that is already too small.  This does not mean I will start dating men - hairy monkeys...blech.  For fucks sake, I turn on the T.V. this morning and there are people fucking.  This is tiring.  I know that some of my best friends would say not to focus on it so much.  When you want it the worst, it never happens.  You have to stop wanting it.  Oh, fuck all that shit.  I hate it when I hear my friend's voices in my head and I know they are right.  I guess I gotta work on letting it go.  I don't want sex from a hot woman, I don't want sex from a hot woman, I don't want sex from a hot woman... Yeah, I don't believe it either.  If only I had something else to focus on...SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.  Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh(scream of frustration).  Still don't feel better.  At least the hiking and rock climbing wear me out physically, so what do I do about my heart and my mind?  How do I make those quit wanting?  Is it even possible?  I don't want to quit wanting.  And that's that.  I have desires and I won't ignore them.  I'm waiting...

4 days later

I know that the reality of finding someone, even to fuck, since my last post is slim to none.  Camping for the weekend with two couples and no other general population around doesn't really help the situation or my ego.  I mean really, two ex-crackheads find each other and I'm the single one?  I'm not without my own flaws, but I am quite the catch.  I have an education, a job, I'm a clean person, a good communicator, great dry sense of humor, my own sense of style,slightly above average looks(I think) and I have great shoes.  Minor baggage, nothing worth really mentioning or any more than anyone 'normal' has.  I'm supportive, encouraging, independent, a great kisser...and more :)  Yet I am the one sleeping in a tent alone.  I am enjoying being single and the freedom that comes with it and I am definitely not looking for a relationship right now(no u-haulers), but some companionship would be great.  With some great sex. So what does this girl do?  I'm in a town so small there aren't even any good adult toy stores and I'm bored with the toys that I have.  I'm feeling like it's time to pack up the strap-on and call it quits.  It's covered in dust anyways, so why not throw it in a box?  Am I maybe just sitting on a pity pot?  Probably, but I don't care right now.  Dirty jokes and banter aren't even really fun anymore.  I need stimulation.  I want satisfaction.  Now.  I really wish patience was one of my strong suits...