Fuck it

I kinda have a case of the fuck its.  Winter will start settling in and I will be cuddling alone, hey, at least I got the dog.  I don't really like winter anyways, it just makes me want to stay inside all of the time.  I am going to try to get another job out here so that I can buy a friend's truck.  Moving 3 times in the last year has severely depleted the savings account.  A year ago I could have bought the truck outright.  On top of having to save for the NCE, moving again, court fees...AHHHHH!!  Too much on my plate and it feels, some days, as if I will always live in this wretched hotel.  I need to figure out how to break it down so it doesn't feel so insurmountable. I'm just kind of exhausted from all of the craziness in my life over the last year and it just feels like a bit much.  Right now I just feel like I want to sleep all of the time.  Maybe that is just what I should do.

Blow out some fur

Which is what I did last night.  Went to see Lynard Skynard with a co-worker and had a mildly drunken blast!!  We had a DD, so I got pretty toasted and so did my co-worker.  Which brings me to my curiosity today - drunk texting.  I had been chatting with a new friend on and off throughout the evening and this is a kind of new, cute friend ;)  So I decided to keep talking to her when I got home and at this point I am pretty drunk.  I didn't say anything inappropriate and she was also flirting back with me...but is it a good idea to drunk text?  I don't ever contact any exes, I don't say anything inappropriate(unless it's called for :)), but should I do it? Hmmm...  In my current hungover state, examining last night's text messages, I don't think it was a bad idea.  I got to know my new friend a little better and I may have even talked her into coming to my side of New Mexico!  She seemed amused by the sexy banter and was responsive, so I will go with it being ok to drunk text.  Until next time!

Ok, bitch. Really?!?

I am about at the end of my rope with FB.  So the cursed castigating cunt is angry with me this morning(probably every morning) because she thinks that I friended one of her friends on FB.  This woman actually friended me and I accepted because she was someone that I liked from the town we were in before.  She walks through the lobby early this morning and says to me 'Really'? '*insert person's name here*, Really'?  I had no response for her since I have no response to anything that she says to me.  I think if she doesn't stop acting like a superior fucking bitch who does no wrong she's going to lose what few friends she has.  There is a little evil part of me that would just LOVE that.  Some moments it's really fucking hard for me to be the bigger person.  It's a good thing that I'm smart enough not to use dark magic or her ass would be covered in boils.  I don't throw hexes, so that makes her very lucky.  I'll just let the local D.A. dispense the instant karma.  What if she ends up serving jail time?  There goes that evil little giggle in my brain again.  Let go of the shit, let go of the shit, let go of the shit.  I guess that's the mantra for the day.  I will repeat it often and later light a candle for her...like I do for people that have passed.

Deep breath, only heard at the back of the throat

So, even the most cynical side of me must admit that the yogic breathing does kind of rock.  I mean really, it's just breathing.  Although as a massage therapist I am constantly telling my clients that they need to stop in their day and breathe.  I even recently read an article about a study that found out what it means physiologically when we sigh.  It apparently resets our entire breathing pattern, expands the ribs a bit, and also sends some messages to our brain...can't quite remember what those messages were. ...sigh...   Nope, still don't remember.  Anyways, the yogic breathing.  It's great.  It's kind of like a long, concentrated series of sighs.  And then the cynical bitch pops up when I get off work and says to just sit on the couch, you worked hard, yoga isn't really gonna make a difference in your day, blah, blah, blah.  Her voice gets quieter every day.  It's great.

Slave and master

A tenuous and empowering relationship.  How do you work that desire into a profile on a dating website?  Single female, enjoys cooking, rock climbing, reading, sci-fi movies, shooting pool with friends at a local pub, camping, hiking, and being tied up and whipped into submission.  Looking for a woman with similar interests who is or can grow into being a good master.  This dynamic was painfully missing from my last two relationships, which leads me to believe that being a good master is harder than I thought.  I did a stint years ago as a dominatrix and I didn't think it was that hard.  Although, I had no emotional attachment to any of my clients, only their wallets.  It does take an intense emotional bond for the Slave/master dynamic to work.  So, not only tasked with finding that someone special in life, how do I find a girl with that extra special quality?  I'm sure there are websites that cater specifically to the wants of women like me, but my faith in internet dating is definitely waning.  I do know that being honest up front with someone about your desires is best, but not really first date material.  When is the appropriate time to bring this up to a prospective mate?  Second date, third or fourth?  After the first time you have sex or before?  Or maybe during the first time you are having sex.  What is the etiquette for bringing up bondage?   Too many questions.  Where is that book of answers that I bought last week...oh, that's right, the book store was out of them.  Until next time.

Raw and Uncut...

Which really makes me want to just say fuck...a lot.  If it is just what I see around me and I just write it down, does that make it...what?  Stream of consciousness? Did I spell that right?  Valid thought?  Invalid feeling/emotion?  I am having a life moment of WTF?!?  I am not unintelligent.  I have full use of my faculties.  So, why the WTF moment?  I can only blame so much on the cursed castigating cunt before she becomes a crutch.  That will not happen.  I am not accepting this wall of fear that was built around me by someone else.  I will be the human I am meant to be.  OK, enough of that disney crap.  In choosing to not accept, then I am choosing to fight and stand up, to not lay down, to not give up.  I am up and coming, so look the fuck out.

the point

At what point do we just accept things the way they are?  Is that even a viable decision?  Why just accept which, in some cases, just sounds like giving up to me.  Maybe that view is a little harsh, but acceptance can sometimes have a fucking pussy ring to it.  Don't just accept, stand up and fight, voice what you want, and go for those goals that people say are impossible.  How far would anyone in history have gotten if they just accepted what was in front of them?  So, Galileo would have just given up and agreed with everyone that the planets and sun rotate around the earth?  The Wright Brothers would have listened to everyone that said they were crazy and men aren't meant to fly?  Martha Stewart would have just laid down and let all holidays be without traditional recipes and decorations?  I don't think so.  So why am I feeling like I have to accept the particular situation I am in?  Small town, no women, no social life, psycho ex living 50 yards from me...what can I do to change this?  Is it just to move again, or do I bring the mountain to me, so to speak?  I have the choice right now to decide whether to give the cursed castigating cunt what is called 'pre-prosecution deferment'.  Basically there is no prosecution, no trial and she just goes straight to anger management and 'supervised' probation.  If she does not meet the provisions set for the probation, then it will go to prosecution.  Why not just let her be prosecuted now?  Why do I have to be the one to make this decision?  This is one of the times in this situation that make me fucking hate her.  I was never supposed to encounter decisions like this in my life.  Believe me, I have faced hard ones with more courage than I see in the humans around me, but I never planned for this.  Why do I still feel guilty if I make the decision to just let the D.A. prosecute her.  Fuck that shit, there are no catholics in my family tree, I don't even know how people live with long term guilt.  It's not something I am hardwired to carry and yet here I am.  I wish I knew the point.  I'll update ground control when I have figured it out.

Shopping therapy...the best kind

So I have spent the last couple of days shopping and I am feeling good.  It has been beautiful here in the mountains with a nice fall crisp in the air.  I am still incredibly undersexed and hating it.  Now I'm also bleeding, which makes me extra horny and I need to consume all of the red meat and sugar I can get my hands on.  It's really a pretty sight.  It would be nice to meet someone, but I'm not sure how that is gonna happen.  I really do wish patience was one of my strong suits, it's just not.  Maybe I'll just rent myself a billboard and whore myself out that way.  Hmmm...I'll have to think about that one.  Hot, Super Horny, Single, Lesbian With Little Baggage Needs a Good Licking.  I think that will work.  You know any women, send them my way.

We are drinking mint juleps in the shade...Thank you Solomon Burke

We lost a bright and beautiful light in this world this week.  Solomon Burke will be greatly missed and his music greatly cherished by many of us.  Thank you, Sir, for what your light gave us while you were here.  We are eternally grateful.

So, I was thinking...

That if this keeps going on, I am going to lose my mind.  Just the energy of the hotel(bad, transient) is enough to drive someone crazy, not to mention everything else I am trying to control or maintain or make happen.  I am filling up with negativity at a faster rate than I know how to get rid of it.  I have growing hatred for the cursed castigating cunt which I know is super unhealthy for me.  I just want her to fall off a cliff or have the restaurant kitchen catch on fire or something that leads to her untimely demise.  At least I know that I'm not evil enough to kill her, although I don't know if I can say the same for her.  It's not a very big step from assault to murder.  Just saying.  I have a feeling of stagnation when it comes to my social life and it's really starting to irritate me.  I guess that's the underlying feeling, irritation.  I'm just so fucking irritated I want to slap people.  Maybe I should just start slapping the people that irritate me.  Of course I would never get anything done considering the overwhelming amount of people that need to be slapped in this world.  Maybe I just need to stay away from people for a bit.  Or at least until the urge to slap them all dissipates.

what the fuck

I gotta get out of my head.  This whole wanting sex and wanting a social life outside of married people is becoming a dark swirl of bullshit in my head.  Even the obtuse, snotty fucking 23 year old gets asked out.  Of course these people have the advantage of being straight so their dating pool is considerably larger than mine in a town that is already too small.  This does not mean I will start dating men - hairy monkeys...blech.  For fucks sake, I turn on the T.V. this morning and there are people fucking.  This is tiring.  I know that some of my best friends would say not to focus on it so much.  When you want it the worst, it never happens.  You have to stop wanting it.  Oh, fuck all that shit.  I hate it when I hear my friend's voices in my head and I know they are right.  I guess I gotta work on letting it go.  I don't want sex from a hot woman, I don't want sex from a hot woman, I don't want sex from a hot woman... Yeah, I don't believe it either.  If only I had something else to focus on...SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.  Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh(scream of frustration).  Still don't feel better.  At least the hiking and rock climbing wear me out physically, so what do I do about my heart and my mind?  How do I make those quit wanting?  Is it even possible?  I don't want to quit wanting.  And that's that.  I have desires and I won't ignore them.  I'm waiting...

4 days later

I know that the reality of finding someone, even to fuck, since my last post is slim to none.  Camping for the weekend with two couples and no other general population around doesn't really help the situation or my ego.  I mean really, two ex-crackheads find each other and I'm the single one?  I'm not without my own flaws, but I am quite the catch.  I have an education, a job, I'm a clean person, a good communicator, great dry sense of humor, my own sense of style,slightly above average looks(I think) and I have great shoes.  Minor baggage, nothing worth really mentioning or any more than anyone 'normal' has.  I'm supportive, encouraging, independent, a great kisser...and more :)  Yet I am the one sleeping in a tent alone.  I am enjoying being single and the freedom that comes with it and I am definitely not looking for a relationship right now(no u-haulers), but some companionship would be great.  With some great sex. So what does this girl do?  I'm in a town so small there aren't even any good adult toy stores and I'm bored with the toys that I have.  I'm feeling like it's time to pack up the strap-on and call it quits.  It's covered in dust anyways, so why not throw it in a box?  Am I maybe just sitting on a pity pot?  Probably, but I don't care right now.  Dirty jokes and banter aren't even really fun anymore.  I need stimulation.  I want satisfaction.  Now.  I really wish patience was one of my strong suits...

Sexy shit

So, I have pretty much been single since last October and am kind of reaching a point of just wanting to get laid.  I have never had an issue with this in the past, but of late my soul and my heart want more.  Can I discuss the soul, the heart and wanting to get laid in only two sentences?  I'm gonna say yes.  It is all what is inside of me, so what the fuck.  I know that living in a small tourist town is not very conducive to meeting, well, much of anyone.  That doesn't make me view it any differently.  I seem to be starving from lack of social interaction.  Don't get me wrong, I love rock climbing and camping with my friends, however, it doesn't afford a very colorful social life when you spend all of your free time in the woods with your friends.  Friends that are couples, by the way.  Don't get any nasties in your heads, I am not the lesbian whore for the straight people.  Anyways, I have resorted to internet dating(not successful) and hoping that magically there are some of my people hiding here in the mountains...will this work?  I don't want to listen to the answer that my gut tells me is true.  So what does a girl do.  In the mountains.  In a small town.  Anybody?  Anybody even out there?  Guess this wasn't really any sexy shit, just some shit about how I want sex...and more.

Caterwauling and customizing

Not that I have anything to caterwaul about, but that could change in a few sentences.  However, it is time to customize my life - or maybe streamline is a better word.  Hmmm...we'll see.  Not much going on in the mountains here, pretty quiet now that busy season is over.  Now we are just waiting for the snow, however, our skiing out here leaves something to be desired.  From what I hear children can ski the black diamonds, so not very challenging.  Should make for an easy, relaxed ski season.  Hopefully we will be able to get in some good rock climbing over the winter.  I have just ordered some new gear, so I am very excited :)  Any sport that comes with new shoes, I'm in!  I have been free of coffee for almost a week now and am feeling great.  Next, the cigarettes go.  I'm ready, I hope the people around me are!  I don't think it will be hard, I just have to do it.  After that, it will be time to rest and enjoy my accomplishments :)  So by my birthday I will be smoke free.  I'm looking forward to it.

Well, I guess I could bitch just a bit.  I'm sick of the ex and her being so near.  Part of me just wants her to fail miserably and part of me wants to make her fail miserably.  I have to keep my ego in check and consciously choose every moment not to drag her to hell and leave her there.  Most days I don't want to tell the judge that I agree to drop the assault charges.  But I guess we won't know the outcome of that until I stand in front of the judge and open my mouth.  As well the people that know me, what comes out of my mouth is unpredictable to say the least :)  I will try to be the bigger person, I will try, I will try, I will try.  I think quitting smoking will be easier.  Just sayin'.