Fuck it

I kinda have a case of the fuck its.  Winter will start settling in and I will be cuddling alone, hey, at least I got the dog.  I don't really like winter anyways, it just makes me want to stay inside all of the time.  I am going to try to get another job out here so that I can buy a friend's truck.  Moving 3 times in the last year has severely depleted the savings account.  A year ago I could have bought the truck outright.  On top of having to save for the NCE, moving again, court fees...AHHHHH!!  Too much on my plate and it feels, some days, as if I will always live in this wretched hotel.  I need to figure out how to break it down so it doesn't feel so insurmountable. I'm just kind of exhausted from all of the craziness in my life over the last year and it just feels like a bit much.  Right now I just feel like I want to sleep all of the time.  Maybe that is just what I should do.

Blow out some fur

Which is what I did last night.  Went to see Lynard Skynard with a co-worker and had a mildly drunken blast!!  We had a DD, so I got pretty toasted and so did my co-worker.  Which brings me to my curiosity today - drunk texting.  I had been chatting with a new friend on and off throughout the evening and this is a kind of new, cute friend ;)  So I decided to keep talking to her when I got home and at this point I am pretty drunk.  I didn't say anything inappropriate and she was also flirting back with me...but is it a good idea to drunk text?  I don't ever contact any exes, I don't say anything inappropriate(unless it's called for :)), but should I do it? Hmmm...  In my current hungover state, examining last night's text messages, I don't think it was a bad idea.  I got to know my new friend a little better and I may have even talked her into coming to my side of New Mexico!  She seemed amused by the sexy banter and was responsive, so I will go with it being ok to drunk text.  Until next time!

Ok, bitch. Really?!?

I am about at the end of my rope with FB.  So the cursed castigating cunt is angry with me this morning(probably every morning) because she thinks that I friended one of her friends on FB.  This woman actually friended me and I accepted because she was someone that I liked from the town we were in before.  She walks through the lobby early this morning and says to me 'Really'? '*insert person's name here*, Really'?  I had no response for her since I have no response to anything that she says to me.  I think if she doesn't stop acting like a superior fucking bitch who does no wrong she's going to lose what few friends she has.  There is a little evil part of me that would just LOVE that.  Some moments it's really fucking hard for me to be the bigger person.  It's a good thing that I'm smart enough not to use dark magic or her ass would be covered in boils.  I don't throw hexes, so that makes her very lucky.  I'll just let the local D.A. dispense the instant karma.  What if she ends up serving jail time?  There goes that evil little giggle in my brain again.  Let go of the shit, let go of the shit, let go of the shit.  I guess that's the mantra for the day.  I will repeat it often and later light a candle for her...like I do for people that have passed.

Deep breath, only heard at the back of the throat

So, even the most cynical side of me must admit that the yogic breathing does kind of rock.  I mean really, it's just breathing.  Although as a massage therapist I am constantly telling my clients that they need to stop in their day and breathe.  I even recently read an article about a study that found out what it means physiologically when we sigh.  It apparently resets our entire breathing pattern, expands the ribs a bit, and also sends some messages to our brain...can't quite remember what those messages were. ...sigh...   Nope, still don't remember.  Anyways, the yogic breathing.  It's great.  It's kind of like a long, concentrated series of sighs.  And then the cynical bitch pops up when I get off work and says to just sit on the couch, you worked hard, yoga isn't really gonna make a difference in your day, blah, blah, blah.  Her voice gets quieter every day.  It's great.

Slave and master

A tenuous and empowering relationship.  How do you work that desire into a profile on a dating website?  Single female, enjoys cooking, rock climbing, reading, sci-fi movies, shooting pool with friends at a local pub, camping, hiking, and being tied up and whipped into submission.  Looking for a woman with similar interests who is or can grow into being a good master.  This dynamic was painfully missing from my last two relationships, which leads me to believe that being a good master is harder than I thought.  I did a stint years ago as a dominatrix and I didn't think it was that hard.  Although, I had no emotional attachment to any of my clients, only their wallets.  It does take an intense emotional bond for the Slave/master dynamic to work.  So, not only tasked with finding that someone special in life, how do I find a girl with that extra special quality?  I'm sure there are websites that cater specifically to the wants of women like me, but my faith in internet dating is definitely waning.  I do know that being honest up front with someone about your desires is best, but not really first date material.  When is the appropriate time to bring this up to a prospective mate?  Second date, third or fourth?  After the first time you have sex or before?  Or maybe during the first time you are having sex.  What is the etiquette for bringing up bondage?   Too many questions.  Where is that book of answers that I bought last week...oh, that's right, the book store was out of them.  Until next time.

Raw and Uncut...

Which really makes me want to just say fuck...a lot.  If it is just what I see around me and I just write it down, does that make it...what?  Stream of consciousness? Did I spell that right?  Valid thought?  Invalid feeling/emotion?  I am having a life moment of WTF?!?  I am not unintelligent.  I have full use of my faculties.  So, why the WTF moment?  I can only blame so much on the cursed castigating cunt before she becomes a crutch.  That will not happen.  I am not accepting this wall of fear that was built around me by someone else.  I will be the human I am meant to be.  OK, enough of that disney crap.  In choosing to not accept, then I am choosing to fight and stand up, to not lay down, to not give up.  I am up and coming, so look the fuck out.

the point

At what point do we just accept things the way they are?  Is that even a viable decision?  Why just accept which, in some cases, just sounds like giving up to me.  Maybe that view is a little harsh, but acceptance can sometimes have a fucking pussy ring to it.  Don't just accept, stand up and fight, voice what you want, and go for those goals that people say are impossible.  How far would anyone in history have gotten if they just accepted what was in front of them?  So, Galileo would have just given up and agreed with everyone that the planets and sun rotate around the earth?  The Wright Brothers would have listened to everyone that said they were crazy and men aren't meant to fly?  Martha Stewart would have just laid down and let all holidays be without traditional recipes and decorations?  I don't think so.  So why am I feeling like I have to accept the particular situation I am in?  Small town, no women, no social life, psycho ex living 50 yards from me...what can I do to change this?  Is it just to move again, or do I bring the mountain to me, so to speak?  I have the choice right now to decide whether to give the cursed castigating cunt what is called 'pre-prosecution deferment'.  Basically there is no prosecution, no trial and she just goes straight to anger management and 'supervised' probation.  If she does not meet the provisions set for the probation, then it will go to prosecution.  Why not just let her be prosecuted now?  Why do I have to be the one to make this decision?  This is one of the times in this situation that make me fucking hate her.  I was never supposed to encounter decisions like this in my life.  Believe me, I have faced hard ones with more courage than I see in the humans around me, but I never planned for this.  Why do I still feel guilty if I make the decision to just let the D.A. prosecute her.  Fuck that shit, there are no catholics in my family tree, I don't even know how people live with long term guilt.  It's not something I am hardwired to carry and yet here I am.  I wish I knew the point.  I'll update ground control when I have figured it out.