Well, now that that's over...

So.  Just don't know how to start this one. One week ago last night, the person I was with got so angry that she held me down and choked me and when I finally got out from under her and out the door(which she had blocked twice before) she attempted to push me down a flight of stairs from behind.  I came out of it with bruises on my neck and a severely twisted ankle.  She spent 4 nights in jail.  I spent quite a while just in shock - nobody I have ever been with has ever assaulted me.  I haven't even ever been with someone that can get that angry.  I felt guilt about her spending time in a county correctional facility, with no family nearby, but I am working through that.  I always said that I would never be one of 'those' women and now that it is here I am at a loss.  I didn't get this manual for life, when did they hand it out?  Where are the instructions for pressing charges against someone that you care for?  I have no illusions of ever wanting to be with her again, there is no working it out...not after that night.  I know now the extent of her anger issues - I didn't just show up in her life a year ago and suddenly make her angry.  I have also received warnings from others who have known her much longer, warnings I chose not to heed. I wonder why...
     So, that makes everything different.  I am now learning the wonders of housekeeping and hotel work.  But not just any hotel, this is the hotel of escher...nothing is what it seems!  We have doors that go to nowhere, rooms that create their own smell, amazing feats of physics abound in this place!  It is truly amazing to learn just exactly how much you can do with duct tape, spray paint, a hammer and a drill.  You can fix ANYTHING!!  Even toilets and electrical outlets!  Who knew!?!  So at the very least I will have more interesting things to blog about and some more time to do it now that I am no longer slave labor for the castigating cursed cunt.  Wow, even I'm proud of that onomatopoeia :)  I'm sure that she will receive more down the line as I am more willing to talk about all of it.  I am learning to enjoy being in this beautiful place in the mountains, my surroundings are perfect right now.  I can get back to camping, climbing, hiking to the best look out and smoking with a friend.  Floating down rivers, sitting next to campfires and all of the general enjoyment that comes with being a resident in the mountains.  I am also attempting to gain some personal  discipline and do yoga every day...it's mostly working.  Don't they say that it takes 21 days to form a habit?  I'll get there. Things are gonna change, I can feel it :)  Hell, who knows, maybe some people out there in the internetverse will start reading this piddly blog!

breaking up...or not

So we haven't even shared a bedroom for over 9 months, but we have not broken up.  Many talks about working things out, getting back to where we were - blah, blah, blah.  She is going through menopause, we started working opposite schedules, I had my own little fuck up contributions along the way.  She is obsessive compulsive about pretty much everything - little bit of a control freak.  I leave at least 2 to 3 pairs of shoes in the living room a day and if the dinner dishes just get rinsed and not washed until the morning, I'm fine.  She's not.  I try to find this middle ground between her OCD and my more laid back take on life and I don't think it exists.  It's her way or the highway.  I understand that stance when it comes to her restaurant that she is opening, but there is no give in our relationship.  I also know that opening any kind of business is a major stress and that since I am the closest I will take the brunt of that stress that she has.  The first night I was out here we had a major fight about me forgetting to get a laundry bag and I also did not clean the house properly before we left our previous location (not true - I have received every deposit from every apartment/house I have ever lived in, I know how to clean).  It ended with her pushing me into a wall and telling me to get out of her life.  We spoke the next day and she explained that she felt she could not trust me to do what I say I am going to do and that she had no compassion for me and that she has little control of her anger when it comes to me.  Side note - I have never been in an abusive relationship, nor have I fought with anyone I have been with as much as we have.  My response to this was to suggest that we both focus on the opening of the restaurant as this will take all of our energy and most of our time and it will be what benefits both of us in the long run.  We can work on 'us' later if it is still what we both want.  She didn't have much of a response to this.  Since that happened she has complained that I don't spend time in the evenings with her, tells me that she misses me next to her in bed, that she misses the intimacy.  Two nights ago she asks me if we will ever get back to that place in our relationship and ended the conversation with what I perceived as an ultimatum. "I want sex soon, so work on it."  WTF!?!?!  Because demanding sex out of me totally puts me in the mood.  At this point I would rather watch porn and masturbate - but that is not even appealing because our recent past has killed my libido. I don't want to be touched, I don't want to touch me.  Obviously there is some shit I need to work on to make myself feel better inside and out.  That is work only I can do, no other person makes me happy - but I seem to be near one who is determined to remind of all of the mistakes I have made in our relationship in the recent past.  It is wearing me out.  I can't fix the past, all I can do is move forward from today, show up and walk the walk.  I even get bitched at for the way I do that.  So do I just keep my head down, my mouth shut and do the job until I can get back to my chosen career path or just quit on her and work in the hotel full time housekeeping and study for my national certification test.  I feel like the life is being sucked out of me at this point - 7 day weeks suck, especially when you aren't being paid for 4 of those days a week.  If at any point anyone starts reading this, I'm open to suggestions and questions.  Am I being a totally unreasonable bitch?

Starting with week two...

Here I am in the beautiful mountains in Ruidoso, New Mexico. I certainly can't complain about my surroundings as I do love the mountains and all that comes with mountain life :) Hiking, camping, summer rainstorms.  I could do without the tourists, but they are our bread and butter.  I guess I'll put a little history up here so whoever may read this will know how I got to this beautiful mountain town (actually it's a village).

My kind of girlfriend has been trying to open another restaurant for the past year and, needless to say, the economy is not the most friendly environment for restaurant/new business loans.  An opportunity presented itself in the last couple of months in the form of an empty, unused restaurant in my uncle's hotel here in beautiful Ruidoso.  The town we were in before this was Lubbock, so pretty much anywhere is a step up from Lubbock.  She is a 'kind of' girlfriend seeing as how we haven't even shared a bedroom in over 9 months.  In spite of this I have decided to come out here anyway and help her get this monstrosity cleaned and put back together and help get the restaurant off of the ground and running.  We have had some rocky times for the last few months, some of which ended up in full blown angry fights and at the peak of this anger she pushed me against a wall.  Besides the slightly rocky times, I am hoping that I can write it all off to the stress of trying to open a restaurant.  I can't help but wonder if I made the right decision to come out here or not.  Back to work for now...