Meh, whatever

Wow.  Apathy is a great thing.  So this is the last post for a while. She wins. I don't care anymore.  Fuck all of it.

deep even breaths...

What is the deal with this woman?  She has been trying to be friendly to me for some time now and I don't get it.  Actually, I don't get that she doesn't get it - that I don't want to be her friend or talk to her or look at her or hear her.  Whatever.  So she asks me today for 15 of my time after I get off work.  I already lost a year of my life that I will never get back to her, so what's 15 more minutes?  I can revert to being a teenager and just glaze over and fucking nod at her.  I'm pretty sure I remember how to do that...  I will practice this afternoon.  WTF?  I am just so tired of this, of her obvious need to control things and people.  Part of me is curious as to what she has to say, though.  I'm sure it will just be some poor me bullshit drivel coming out of her mouth that I don't want to hear.  I suspect that she is going to ask me to help her with the restaurant and it will be quite satisfying to say no.  It would be nice to hear an apology from her...HA! Like that would ever happen!  The Bitch stands up and owns her shit?!?  No fucking way!  If she hasn't done it by the age of 52, she ain't gonna start now.  Just sayin... I will have to post again after she talks, so stay tuned.

As yet untitled

Approaching my 35th birthday and I would probably be looking forward to it more if there was anything to do in this town or anyone to do it with for that matter. It kind of just sucks all of the fun out of it - just like this town did to Halloween.  Sucks the fun right out of everything this place does.  Anyways, I should be going to dinner with boss and her husband, so at least I will get to wear my new birthday shoes...not that I will be anywhere that I can show them off to the general population.  Mostly the general population are not people I want to know anyway.  There have got to be some half-way decent people here, I mean, we can't be the only ones on this mountain.  I'd settle for just one friend outside of The Shining.  Maybe I am asking too much from the universe right now.  I don't know.
     On a lighter note, I have reconnected with an old friend in Denver and being in touch with her again has helped my soul immensely.  She is a constant source of inspiration for me and it has been good to talk to her again.  She is doing very well and recently married her partner and they are running a dispensary in the Denver area.  That is a huge sign that I am in the wrong place and around the wrong people.  I should sooooo be working in a dispensary in Colorado - maybe I could find something like that here in New Mexico. Anyways, she has done some long distance Reiki on me in the last few days and has really helped me break down the wall that has been surrounding my heart chakra.  Her third eye is so bright and her love so powerful, that every session has been like she is right next to me.  I can actually feel her working on me.  It is amazing and I am lighter every day that I wake up.  I am an untitled work in progress. Cool. Thanks Deb. :)  More later...

17, cuffs and stuff

How do I get myself into the messes that I get into?  I'm in a couple right now, nothing serious, mostly fun messes.  Take 17 for instance.  Young lesbian I met through another friend, she lives several states away from me.  Which is good, because I don't think I would be able to peel her off of me.  I keep thinking that she is so young, but that is how many years were between me and my ex...and she's almost legal.  She is cute as hell and has sent me some of the dirtiest texts I have ever received.  After over a year of no sex or even affection the attention is kind of nice.  She is several states away and the likelihood that I will ever meet her is slim to none, so I'm just digging it.  It would be kind of nice to show up somewhere that the cursed castigating cunt is and show her that I just went 17 years the other way!! -screeching brakes- U TURN!!! LMAO!!  17 says she likes older women...man could I put her off of that!  Then, there is Cuffs.  She is a cop and I can't even begin to tell you where that takes my dirty brain :)  She lives in this state about 3 hours from me and is coming to visit me next week.  I hope she brings at least parts of her uniform :)  We have been talking(email,text,phone) for 6 weeks now and we just have great conversations!  Nothing REALLY dirty yet, but we seem to be saving that for when we meet, so the anticipation is at a high.  I can't wait. No. Really. I can't wait.  I know I already wrote about being in a space where I want more from a woman and I just really want to get laid...but now I want to fuck a cop.  That is just the feeling for this moment and it may change when I meet her face to face, but I'm going with the feeling of the moment.  That's what 17 and Cuffs give me...being in the moment.  Stay tuned for more.

days and days...

It is all just starting to blend together now that it is too cold to climb.  Day after day in this hotel - working here, living here.  It's starting to feel kind of like The Shining - I am sure it will start to feel even more like The Shining.  Trapped in the snow, on the mountain with nothing but the ghosts.  We do have ghosts here at the hotel, but mostly I have encountered friendly spirits.  AHHHHHH!!  I'm slowly losing my mind and there is nothing that I can do about it.  It makes me even crazier to see her day in and day out...She fucking cries and tells me she misses me and that her heart hurts...blah, blah, yammer, yammer.  When she talks I feel like the dog on The Simpsons or like I'm listening to Charlie Brown's teacher.  Am I really supposed to care about anything that you say or feel bitch?  Maybe I am just a heartless bitch, who knows.  Stay tuned, more after this message from our sponsors...

A lot can happen in a year

Like finding out that your entire family is filled with douchebags and that you aren't the crazy one.  It doesn't make me feel better that I am not the stupid one, it makes me feel more alone than I ever have in my life.  I stupidly thought that family was something that was there for you in the worst times, when everyone else fell away and flaked out at least you had that.  I don't know what happened.  In a little more than a year my heart has broken ten times.  As the vultures in my 'family' pick apart the ranch to get what they deserve, my cousins continue breeding - I don't know what is happening.  The woman who gave birth to me believes that my ex would have a different story to tell her about the assault.  Her brother thinks that I should find some strangers at the hotel to give me a ride to Lubbock.  Fuck the cousins, they don't even return emails or phone calls.  Is there something I'm missing?  Is it because I'm gay that they don't want to have anything to do with me?  Before moving to Texas last year, I had not seen or spoken to any of these people in about a decade.  I lived only blocks from most of these people and never saw any of them, much less spoke to them.  They speak to one another - have birthday parties for their kids, bbqs at the ranch, holiday gatherings - none of which I was ever invited to.  I guess  I'm just not a member of this family.  And I am far from anyone that I would call family.  It is time to give up.  I just don't have the strength for this and the fight is gone from me.  I am in a financial hole that 8.50/hour won't get me out of and I don't have the means to get another job being that I am 7 miles from 'town' and public transportation doesn't exist in a town this small.  I have to pay a lawyer, court fees, save to take a test(which is pointless because I will never get back to my chosen profession), New Mexico licensing fees, ABMP insurance, monthly fees to a probation officer for the next 18 months for a mistake that I wish had cost me my life, try to save for the car, then the insurance for that.  It is never ending.  How did my life get to this place?  How did everything go so horribly wrong in such a short amount of time?  I don't have the strength for this.  I quit.

So much for fucking family

Today I realize that the few shared strands in our DNA mean nothing.  It does not make another person family to you.  My uncle, who was aware of the fact that I would have to be back in Lubbock to take care of some of my own business, has just suggested that I find out if someone staying at the hotel is from Lubbock and they could take me back with them.  Complete fucking strangers.  Then he asks if I know someone here that could take me to and from Lubbock.  Yeah, because I have had so much fucking time to meet all of these new people out here while I literally live at work.  He said to me that we would take care of it and not to worry about it.  Stupid me for listening.  I have never been this alone and so fucking hurt by what I thought was something I could rely on.  Family.  FUCK FAMILY.  FUCK YOU, BILL, FOR BEING THE WORST UNCLE A PERSON COULD HAVE.  FUCK YOU.