Sexy shit

So, I have pretty much been single since last October and am kind of reaching a point of just wanting to get laid.  I have never had an issue with this in the past, but of late my soul and my heart want more.  Can I discuss the soul, the heart and wanting to get laid in only two sentences?  I'm gonna say yes.  It is all what is inside of me, so what the fuck.  I know that living in a small tourist town is not very conducive to meeting, well, much of anyone.  That doesn't make me view it any differently.  I seem to be starving from lack of social interaction.  Don't get me wrong, I love rock climbing and camping with my friends, however, it doesn't afford a very colorful social life when you spend all of your free time in the woods with your friends.  Friends that are couples, by the way.  Don't get any nasties in your heads, I am not the lesbian whore for the straight people.  Anyways, I have resorted to internet dating(not successful) and hoping that magically there are some of my people hiding here in the mountains...will this work?  I don't want to listen to the answer that my gut tells me is true.  So what does a girl do.  In the mountains.  In a small town.  Anybody?  Anybody even out there?  Guess this wasn't really any sexy shit, just some shit about how I want sex...and more.

Caterwauling and customizing

Not that I have anything to caterwaul about, but that could change in a few sentences.  However, it is time to customize my life - or maybe streamline is a better word.  Hmmm...we'll see.  Not much going on in the mountains here, pretty quiet now that busy season is over.  Now we are just waiting for the snow, however, our skiing out here leaves something to be desired.  From what I hear children can ski the black diamonds, so not very challenging.  Should make for an easy, relaxed ski season.  Hopefully we will be able to get in some good rock climbing over the winter.  I have just ordered some new gear, so I am very excited :)  Any sport that comes with new shoes, I'm in!  I have been free of coffee for almost a week now and am feeling great.  Next, the cigarettes go.  I'm ready, I hope the people around me are!  I don't think it will be hard, I just have to do it.  After that, it will be time to rest and enjoy my accomplishments :)  So by my birthday I will be smoke free.  I'm looking forward to it.

Well, I guess I could bitch just a bit.  I'm sick of the ex and her being so near.  Part of me just wants her to fail miserably and part of me wants to make her fail miserably.  I have to keep my ego in check and consciously choose every moment not to drag her to hell and leave her there.  Most days I don't want to tell the judge that I agree to drop the assault charges.  But I guess we won't know the outcome of that until I stand in front of the judge and open my mouth.  As well the people that know me, what comes out of my mouth is unpredictable to say the least :)  I will try to be the bigger person, I will try, I will try, I will try.  I think quitting smoking will be easier.  Just sayin'.

Fuck that bitch!

Spent my days off camping and rock climbing with my friends and it FUCKING ROCKED!!!  Fuck that bitch, I can climb up rocks.  I loved learning how to climb again, I haven't done it in years.  I conquered those rocks, so bring it bitch!  I can take it.  All your dirty looks, snotty anger and lies... BRING IT!!  My last post was wrong, I don't fear you, I feel sorry for you.  You are so insecure you have to abuse your girlfriends.  You have to use fear as a way to think you are in control.  You have no control over anything, especially me.  So, FUCK YOU CUNT! 

Oh, ok.  Got that out.  I do feel much better :)  I give this all back to her, it is not mine.  I feel lighter and stronger and I know that I am - at least compared to her.  Now daily affirmations are over...rock climbing was fucking awesome!!!  I already had to start buying my own gear and I'm all cracked out on my new hobby :))  I couldn't be happier than I am at this moment!  Time to start changing some things in my life...what next?  I can't wait!!

How about a little passive agressive silent hostility for your day :)

So she had her arraignment hearing and ever since then she has seemed more bold when she passes me in the hotel.  She has mean mugged me several times, the most recent being this evening.  I am now starting to fear a bit for my safety.  Her anger is palpable and it sucks to be around.  I haven't been out here long enough to make any friends and anyone that I am close to is at least 1000 miles from me.  I have no witnesses and no confidant here - so I guess this blog is it.  Seems that this is just more of an online diary and I expressed in my last posting how I felt about it.  What do I do in a place where I know no one and my only recourse is the police?  I find myself walking around in paranoia constantly and it sucks - she made me a victim and it terrifies me and pisses me off all at the same time.  Maybe I shouldn't drop the charges, even with conditions of attending anger management.  Maybe she should experience the full consequences of her actions.  Is it my place to decide what her karmic reaping should be in this situation?  Goddammit.  I hate her for this.  I hate her for putting me in this position.  I hate her for what she did.  I hate her and that is not healthy for me.  How can I let go of the hate if I can't let go of the fear?  I can't let go of the fear when I see her everyday and feel her boldness and anger growing by the day.  What happens when she snaps and I am all alone?  Then I guess they find my dead body in my room, I don't know.  I think I'll get a gun.  At least it's more protection than the hammer I currently have.  Yoga and meditation are not helping, I have to learn how to defend myself against a crazy person with a record for beating and intimidating her girlfriends.  Excellent.  Just where I wanted to be in life.  Still haven't come up with a new name for her, so I will end with castigating cursed cunt.

Each day...has the potential to suck.

But that doesn't mean it has to.  Mildly tedious to be living in a hotel, which also happens to be where my job is.  It's kind of like never getting to leave work and it sometimes makes me feel more tired than I actually am.  I keep reminding myself that it is only temporary and soon the city life will be a reality again :) Deep breath in and out while I salute the morning sun.  I feel as though I have lost some of my 'edge' in this experience - I have been bowed.  I need to get it back, but how?  I love that I can write this shit down and get it out of my head, but blogging sometimes feels a little more girly than I thought it would.

Really?!?

Loving the mountain life.  Weather is just beautiful right now.  So, the owner of the hotel(my uncle) shows up for this Labor Day weekend.  He is an interesting man that plays his cards close to the chest - never is an easy read.  He is, basically, in business with my ex.  She is opening the restaurant in his hotel, however, only through a verbal contract - NOTHING on paper.  His most recent concern is the effect of mine and my ex's "personal situation" on the hotel staff...  Had a meeting with the hotel manager and the owncle(nice blended word :))  and we assured him, again, that there was no strain on the hotel staff.  Most of the staff doesn't even know - all they know is that her and I had a disagreement and I no longer work for the restaurant - only the hotel.  I explained to him that the only reason that the people who know about the situation are still working with her is because I asked them to.  I know that I will never receive credit for this, I do not need it.  I do not want to identify as the victim, but I have to on some level to come to terms with this.  I had a moment as a victim and I have to acknowledge it.  It's just such a strange skin to wear.  Well...back to the weather.  I will come out of this and this nature around me will help.  Processing...

age quod agis

Wow.  I can't always describe how I feel since we have truly been apart.  The punctuation that she used to end our sentence left no room for friendship.  No room for forgiveness (right now).  We can't even be within 100 feet of each other.  More and more about her anger issues seeps out from her friends.  People who have known her much longer and also people that she has assaulted before - the ones who never called the cops and never pressed charges.  I don't ALWAYS  like the spotlight...just saying.  I guess there is a reason that this is happening now in her life and in mine - just wish I knew what it was.  Each day I feel lighter and happier.  The mountain air definitely helps. Staring at the New Mexico mountains right now listening to my Rage Against the Machine station on Pandora.  Ahhhhh....happiest Friday in a while, think I'll open a PBR and pour a shot of Jack.  Happy Holiday all!!