Fuck that bitch!

Spent my days off camping and rock climbing with my friends and it FUCKING ROCKED!!!  Fuck that bitch, I can climb up rocks.  I loved learning how to climb again, I haven't done it in years.  I conquered those rocks, so bring it bitch!  I can take it.  All your dirty looks, snotty anger and lies... BRING IT!!  My last post was wrong, I don't fear you, I feel sorry for you.  You are so insecure you have to abuse your girlfriends.  You have to use fear as a way to think you are in control.  You have no control over anything, especially me.  So, FUCK YOU CUNT! 

Oh, ok.  Got that out.  I do feel much better :)  I give this all back to her, it is not mine.  I feel lighter and stronger and I know that I am - at least compared to her.  Now daily affirmations are over...rock climbing was fucking awesome!!!  I already had to start buying my own gear and I'm all cracked out on my new hobby :))  I couldn't be happier than I am at this moment!  Time to start changing some things in my life...what next?  I can't wait!!

How about a little passive agressive silent hostility for your day :)

So she had her arraignment hearing and ever since then she has seemed more bold when she passes me in the hotel.  She has mean mugged me several times, the most recent being this evening.  I am now starting to fear a bit for my safety.  Her anger is palpable and it sucks to be around.  I haven't been out here long enough to make any friends and anyone that I am close to is at least 1000 miles from me.  I have no witnesses and no confidant here - so I guess this blog is it.  Seems that this is just more of an online diary and I expressed in my last posting how I felt about it.  What do I do in a place where I know no one and my only recourse is the police?  I find myself walking around in paranoia constantly and it sucks - she made me a victim and it terrifies me and pisses me off all at the same time.  Maybe I shouldn't drop the charges, even with conditions of attending anger management.  Maybe she should experience the full consequences of her actions.  Is it my place to decide what her karmic reaping should be in this situation?  Goddammit.  I hate her for this.  I hate her for putting me in this position.  I hate her for what she did.  I hate her and that is not healthy for me.  How can I let go of the hate if I can't let go of the fear?  I can't let go of the fear when I see her everyday and feel her boldness and anger growing by the day.  What happens when she snaps and I am all alone?  Then I guess they find my dead body in my room, I don't know.  I think I'll get a gun.  At least it's more protection than the hammer I currently have.  Yoga and meditation are not helping, I have to learn how to defend myself against a crazy person with a record for beating and intimidating her girlfriends.  Excellent.  Just where I wanted to be in life.  Still haven't come up with a new name for her, so I will end with castigating cursed cunt.

Each day...has the potential to suck.

But that doesn't mean it has to.  Mildly tedious to be living in a hotel, which also happens to be where my job is.  It's kind of like never getting to leave work and it sometimes makes me feel more tired than I actually am.  I keep reminding myself that it is only temporary and soon the city life will be a reality again :) Deep breath in and out while I salute the morning sun.  I feel as though I have lost some of my 'edge' in this experience - I have been bowed.  I need to get it back, but how?  I love that I can write this shit down and get it out of my head, but blogging sometimes feels a little more girly than I thought it would.

Really?!?

Loving the mountain life.  Weather is just beautiful right now.  So, the owner of the hotel(my uncle) shows up for this Labor Day weekend.  He is an interesting man that plays his cards close to the chest - never is an easy read.  He is, basically, in business with my ex.  She is opening the restaurant in his hotel, however, only through a verbal contract - NOTHING on paper.  His most recent concern is the effect of mine and my ex's "personal situation" on the hotel staff...  Had a meeting with the hotel manager and the owncle(nice blended word :))  and we assured him, again, that there was no strain on the hotel staff.  Most of the staff doesn't even know - all they know is that her and I had a disagreement and I no longer work for the restaurant - only the hotel.  I explained to him that the only reason that the people who know about the situation are still working with her is because I asked them to.  I know that I will never receive credit for this, I do not need it.  I do not want to identify as the victim, but I have to on some level to come to terms with this.  I had a moment as a victim and I have to acknowledge it.  It's just such a strange skin to wear.  Well...back to the weather.  I will come out of this and this nature around me will help.  Processing...

age quod agis

Wow.  I can't always describe how I feel since we have truly been apart.  The punctuation that she used to end our sentence left no room for friendship.  No room for forgiveness (right now).  We can't even be within 100 feet of each other.  More and more about her anger issues seeps out from her friends.  People who have known her much longer and also people that she has assaulted before - the ones who never called the cops and never pressed charges.  I don't ALWAYS  like the spotlight...just saying.  I guess there is a reason that this is happening now in her life and in mine - just wish I knew what it was.  Each day I feel lighter and happier.  The mountain air definitely helps. Staring at the New Mexico mountains right now listening to my Rage Against the Machine station on Pandora.  Ahhhhh....happiest Friday in a while, think I'll open a PBR and pour a shot of Jack.  Happy Holiday all!!